


The wizard of Hobnob

by Acey_Uchiha



Category: South Park
Genre: Crack, M/M, Singing, WTF, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 19:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14432910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acey_Uchiha/pseuds/Acey_Uchiha
Summary: The wizard of Oz South Park version, short nonsense with a small musical number.





	1. We're not in South Park anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own South Park and it's character's  
> I do not own wizard of Oz, it's character's or it's song's  
> I don't really know what I was thinking.

"Lu lu lu I've got some apple's, lu lu lu you've got some too  
lu lu lu... OH HAMBURGER'S"  
The young blonde boy was interrupted from singing his gay little song by a tornado, he rushed to a conveniently placed house made of wood.  
The wooden house was easily lifted by the large vortex of wind, for a brief moment the blonde boy was sure he heard cackling and saw a flash of orange going passed the window's.  
However that seemed of little importance as the house landed with a loud thud.  
The blonde boy shakily exited the house, looking around at his new surrounding's, he quickly realised he wasn't in ~~Kansas~~ South Park anymore.  
"OH HAMBURGER'S!!" The blonde boy exclaimed.  
Sticking out from under the house, were a pair of shoes, shoes that were on feet, feet that were attached to leg's!! Presumably feet that were attached to a torso and head! Oh hamburger's indeed.  
The blonde boy so panic stricken, had the house he was in just killed someone? If so, his parent's would ground him.  
He approached the feet cautiously, hoping they were fake. Before he had the chance to check, he heard a noise behind him.

"Once there was a pube selling ginger, in the lovely land of hobnob ~  
And an eviler, eviler, eviler ginger there surely never was ~  
He made the wimp's in ShortstuffVille, wear his pubes upon their head ~  
Till one great day from South Park ~  
A house landed on his head ~  
Now the ginger bitch is dead ~  
Ding dong, the ginger's dead ~  
Which ol' ginger? ~  
The pube selling ginger (oh) ~  
Ding dong the pube selling ginger is dead ~  
Hooray hooray, the ginger's dead ~  
It's time to play, the ginger's dead ~  
Take those pubes off your head ~  
The ginger bitch is dead~"

The blonde boy stood in awe as from the bushes came a large amount of ~~midget's~~ height challenged people, all pulling thin ginger hair off of their head's, leaving them bald as they sang their creepy little song.  
The blonde boy was soon surrounded by the bald ~~midget's~~ height challenged inhabitant's of ShortstuffVille. Backed up against the house, standing right next to the leg's of the dead, pube selling, ginger bitch.  
"Thank you saviour!" Everyone cheered.  
A bright ball of light suddenly appeared, approaching the confused blonde boy.  
"Allow me to explain." A deep voice came from the ball.  
The bright light faded and in it's place was a young black man, dressed as a woman.  
"I am Tokenbelle, the good witch of the North. The person under the house, was the evil ginger witch, Scott Tenorman. By killing him, you have saved this village from mild harassment." The good witch explained.  
"B-but I didn't meant to kill anyone honest! If my parent's find out I killed someone I'll get grounded."  
"There is no need to worry young man, your parent's will only learn of what happen's in the magical land of Hobnob if you tell them. Now what is your name?"  
"Oh gee I'm so rude, not introducing myself. My name's Butter's nice ta meetcha!" The blonde boy, Butter's said excitedly, now that he learned he had one less reason to get grounded.  
"Well I sure am glad my parent's won't find out but I still need to get home, if I'm late I'll be grounded too." He said  
"I see, I'm sorry to say, it is beyond my magic to send you back home but perhaps, the wizard of Hobnob will help you, he is the most powerful being in Hobnob!" Tokenbelle said, the ShortstuffVille resident's nodding in agreement.  
"Oh and how do I find him?" Butter's asked with curiosity. While stealing the ginger's shoes.  
"Why that's simple, you need only follow the melodic toad!"

The height challenged baldies began singing again.  
"Follow the melodic toad  
Follow the melodic toad  
Follow the melodic toad  
Follow follow follow follow follow the melodic toad  
Follow the melodic follow the melodic follow the melodic toad  
Better than a brightly lit road just follow the melodic toad"  
As they sang, they pointed at a toad that was croaking a song, as it hopped away.  
Being innocent and naive moron, Butter's followed the toad without hesitation or question, waving goodbye to the weird new friend's he'd made.


	2. The lion.

Butter's had been walking/skipping along, following the melodic toad, as he hummed along to the croak's when he heard a strange noise.  
"AGH!"  
Curiosity got the best of him and Inspector Butter's was on the case! He followed the noise until he found a blonde boy of similar height, hanging from a pole by his underwear.  
"Umm, hello?" Butter's asked, cautiously approaching the messy haired blonde.  
"Oh Jesus!" He yelped, thrashing about like he was trying to run.  
"I'm not gonna hurt ye, little fella. I promise, just let me help you down."   
"Agh! R-r-really? Y-you mean it?" The twitchy blonde replied unsure, he had never met anyone who didn't bully him before.  
Butter's grabbed the boy's leg's, lifting him up as high as he could, until the twitchy boy's underwear came off of the pole. Lowering him to the ground.  
"Ah t-t-thank ngh you."  
"So, um, how did you end up there?" Butter's asked nervously, twiddling his thumb's.  
"Agh I-I don't have any c-c-courage, s-so people do w-w-whatever they want to m-me." The twitchy blonde said, looking down at the ground.  
"Oh golly, that's too bad. OH! I Know! You can come with me to see the wizard! I'm sure he can give you some courage." Butter's replied smiling cheerfully.  
"THE WIZARD! AGH! I-I-I heaRD it w-was IMPossiblE t-to find him!"   
"The good witch Tokenbelle said we just have to follow the melodic toad!"  
The twitching blonde, looked at the excited blonde like he had just spoke an alien language because seriously, what the fuck is a melodic toad?  
"Ah we have to hurry, before it hop's away!" Butter's said, grabbing the other blonde's wrist and pulling him along, once more following the melodic toad to the wizard.


	3. The Tinman.

The twitchy blonde introduced himself as Tweek and together with Butter's they followed the melodic toad. Butter's doing most of the talking, since Tweek was a nervous wreck.  
The toad stopped it's melodic croakage as it was picked up by a ridiculously hot guy, with black hair, half covered by a blue chullo.  
"You're fucking noisy, shut up you dumb frog." He said in monotone.  
"AGH that s-s-sexy guy has t-the toad!" Tweek cried, hiding behind Butter's clinging onto him.  
"Um, e-excuse me, can you put him down please? the melodic toad is leading us to the wizard." Butter's asked nervously.  
The black haired boy stared at the two blonde's, then the frog/toad in his hand.  
"Why are you going to see some crackpot wizard?" He asked.  
"He's not a crackpot! He can do anything, Tokenbelle said do." Butter's replied.  
"Heh, I don't know what the fuck a Tokenbelle is, but I'll be coming along, if that's true, this wizard can give me a heart."  
"JESUS! Y-Y-YOU DON'T HAVE A H-H-HEART??! HOW ARE Y-Y-YOU A-ALIVE?!" Tweek screamed.  
The black haired boy glared at the loud blonde, flipping him off.   
Tweek hid behind Butter's again.  
The black haired teen clicked his tongue, dropping the melodic toad back on the ground, it croaked violently at the teen before returning on it's journey, hopping and croaking a tune as it lead the group to the wizard.  
Tweek tried making small talk with the new addition, Craig, however he was met with only, grunts, insults and middle finger's.   
Tweek didn't know why but he was instantly attracted to the stoic asshole.  
Not that it mattered, Craig seemed to hate Tweek and everything else.  
Butter's tried his best to keep the mood cheerful but wasn't doing a good job of it, when he saw a person up ahead he was filled with relief.


	4. Chapter 4

"..."  
"..."  
"... This dumbass obviously need's a brain." Craig broke the silence, while Tweek and Butter's continued to stare at the biggest idiot they'd ever met.  
He was a brown haired teen, almost as tall as Craig. For some reason he was repeatedly walking into a large sheet of glass.   
Upon hearing Craig speak, the teen turned around grinning stupidly at the 3 other teen's.  
"Hey! I'm Clyde, nice to meet you!"  
"We're in a hurry. So you just go back to doing... whatever it is you were doing." Craig said, turning from the grinning teen and following after the melodic toad.  
Tweek opted to follow after Craig, his eye's totally not 100% focused on Craig's ass.  
"My name's Butter's and those guys are Tweek and Craig. We're going to meet the wizard, do you want to come? he can give you a brain." Butter's said, smiling.  
"How did you know I need a brain!?" Clyde asked, genuinely curious.  
"J-just a guess?" Butter's said, not wanting to hurt his feelings with honesty.  
Clyde agreed to join them and they made their way after Tweek and Craig, following the melodic toad.  
Clyde chatting away about nothing in particular and for some reason Taco's. Craig insulting him at every possible chance.  
When the group fell into an awkward silence, Butter's asked them about the detail's of why wanted the thing's they each wanted from the wizard.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't already know it, listen to the start of "if I only had a brain" or w/e it's called so you know how to sing the song.

When the group fell into an awkward silence, Butter's asked them about the detail's of why wanted the thing's they each wanted from the wizard.

 

Clyde singing.  
I could solve the hardest equations, win arguments through persuasion ~  
My thought's never inane ~  
Oh I'd be so very happy ~  
Never sad nor sappy ~  
If I only had a Brain ~  
No more calling me stupid, Eternally avoided by cupid ~  
My heart so full of pain ~  
Oh I'd be called a genius ~  
Girl's would all want mah penis ~   
If I only had a Tacoooo~  
"BRAIN. Dumbass." Interjects Craig.  
I'd never be corrected(glares at Craig), cuz my thought's would be perfected ~  
My every word germane ~  
If knowledge is truly power ~  
I'd rule the world from mah tower ~  
If I only had a brain ~

Tweek singing:  
I could tell him that I love him, desperately want to touch him ~  
Expose my inner perv ~  
Maybe he'd accept my feelings ~  
Throw me down and have me screaming ~  
If I only had the nerve~  
I'd be on all fours awaiting, for Craig's hips to be gyrating ~  
My back arched in a curve ~  
I'd be moaning his name in lust ~  
He'd hit my prostate with every thrust ~  
If I only had the nerve ~  
We'd spend our day's together, there'd be nothing we couldn't weather ~  
More than I deserve ~  
I'd love you more than coffee ~  
Every day you'd boff me ~  
If I only had the nerve ~

Craig singing:  
To be capable of feeling, to act like a human being ~  
We're So close yet so far apart ~  
I could smile and show affection ~  
Flaunt a myriad of expressions ~  
If i only had a heart ~  
I'd never say words to hurt you, i'd also never desert you ~  
Our love would be off the chart's ~  
I'd be caring and gentle ~  
Be so sickeningly sentimental ~  
If I only had a heart ~  
Stare deep into his eye's, leave bite mark's on his thigh's ~  
Our love could finally start ~  
Do anything to make him smile, Holding him all the while ~  
If I only had a heart ~

And not to be left out, Butter's sang something too.  
Follow the melodic toad ~  
Follow the melodic toad ~  
Follow the melodic follow the melodic follow the melodic toad ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry.   
> Just.. Don't look at me!


	6. Meow

Thankfully the strange phenomena that caused everyone to burst in to song ended. Unfortunately for some reason Tweek and Craig were unable to hear each other's song's, so as far as they knew, their feeling's were still unrequited. Bummer.  
Even though they didn't hear each other, they were overheard by someone. Through a crystal ball someone watched the four on their journey and decided to meet them.  
With a cackle and a cry "Fly my creepy cross species animal's fly" The flying hamster-cats flew out of the tower and headed in the direction of the four unsuspecting travelers.  
In no time at all the hamster-cats had the travelers in sight, swooping down upon them, if not for the adorable purring and soft fur, they might have even been intimidating but ultimately it was just annoying.  
The only one panicking was Tweek, because, you know, he's Tweek. The other's just swatted at them like flies, except Craig, who grabbed one to stroke.  
In an instant the situation changed, the cute little hamster-cats turned into feral beast's tripling in size.  
Tweek cried out in pain as sharp claw's slashed his back, Craig turned his attention Tweek immediately, using the hamster-cat he was holding as a weapon, swinging it by the tail.  
Craig stood over Tweek protectively, his usual stoic expression gone, replaced by a look of pure fury.  
Craig knocked beast after beast to the ground but, no matter how many he felled, the onslaught seemed to be endless. Craig was eventually overwhelmed by their numbers.  
He was knocked to the ground, as the hamster-cats piled on top of him.  
A trembling Tweek, stood up, grabbing one of the unconscious beast's Craig had knocked down. He swung and swung, knocking the beast's off of Craig.  
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH HIM! Y-Y-YOU ASSSBUTT'S!" Tweek screamed, swinging the hamster-cat wildly.  
Once Craig was no longer covered, Tweek helped him up, blushing as he stared into the taller teen's eye's.  
"C-Craig, I l-l-love you!" Tweek forced himself to blurt out, closing his eye's, scared of Craig's reaction.  
Tweek flinched when he felt something touch his cheek. He opened his eye's to see Craig looking at him with gentle eye's.  
"I want to love you too, if only I had a heart." Craig whispered, looking at Tweek sadly.  
The two stared into each other's eye's for the longest time, broken out of it by Clyde excited laughter.  
Only then did they notice, that all four of them were flying through the air, the hamster-cats super long but also super soft and comfortable tail's wrapped around their waist's, in the distance a tower could be seen.  
What fate awaits the four travelers at the dark tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Castiel for "assbutt"


	7. Chapter 7

"NO FLYING KITTEH THAT'S A BAD FLYING KITTEH!"  
The four teen's were dropped off at the top floor of the tower, where they were met by the fatass witch, though he prefer's to go by Cartman.  
He was scolding his favourite hamster-cat for trying to eat his cheesy-poof's.  
"So, I hear one of you killed my half brother, that ginger asshole." Cartman said while laughing.  
"Oh geez, that was an accident." Butter's said, looking panicked.  
"Huh? Well whatever, I don't care as long as that asshole's dead. I'm the strongest witch in Hobnob, I'll give you a reward for killing that ginger bitch, just name it."  
"I want to go home, so I don't get grounded!"  
"Lame. Where is home then, pussy?"  
"South park."  
"... What part of Hobnob is that in?"  
"Um, it's not in Hobnob."  
"Not in Hobnob? There's nothing outside of Hobnob asshole!"  
"Forget it. Let's just go to the wizard. He can do anything." Craig interrupted, turning away from the fatass witch, pulling Tweek along with him.  
"EY!! I'M THE STRONGEST WITCH AROUND! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!" In his anger,Cartman's magic flared up, igniting his pointy witch hat on fire.  
"Oh hamburger's." Butter's cried, looking around the room. He spotted a beaker of water, quickly grabbing it and throwing at the burning hat.  
The liquid covered not only the hat but Cartman's face as well. The witch cried out in pain.  
"Ahhhhhhh It burnnnnn's my face is melllllllllting."  
Craig stared blankly at the screaming witch, unimpressed.  
"His weakness is water? Lame."  
"Agh, no Craig, l-look, it's acid!!" Tweek added, pointing at the label on the beaker.  
"That makes more sense." Craig said, still disinterested.  
They left the tower as the fatass witch died in agony.


	8. The wizard.

"Dammit without that stupid fucking frog we've got no way of finding the wizard."  
"Croooooooooooak"  
"Stupid frog." Craig said experimentally.  
"Croooooooooooaaaak." Another offended sounding croak, coming from Clyde's direction.  
The remaining three just stared at him.  
He smiled a goofy grin, as the melodic toad poked it's head out of Clyde's shirt.  
"Oh those cat thing's were attacking the little guy, so I hid him in my shirt." Clyde said simply, smiling.  
The toad gave an indignant croak at Craig, before hopping out of Clyde's shirt and continuing on it's way.  
After hour's of walking, Tweek and Craig holding hand's the whole way, they finally arrived at the grand old tower of Hobnob.  
Once inside they were met by more height challenged people and a big assed jade curtain.  
They were told the wizard was busy, Craig didn't feel like waiting, so he opened the conspicuous curtain. Behind the curtain was a large black man mounting a green haired woman.  
Craig closed the curtain before the other's could see, taking a mental note of the position, he could try that with Tweek later if he got his heart.  
Thirty minute's later, the man emerged from the soundproofed curtain.  
"Hello children, I'm the wizard but you can call me chef."   
"Hey chef."  
"I know why you're here." Chef said, looking the four up and down.  
"Tweek, you want courage. When you were all attacked and Craig was in trouble, you disregarded your own safety and fears to protect him, you also confessed your love to him, these act's would be impossible without courage, you've had the courage all along."  
"Craig, just like with Tweek, you risked yourself to protect him, when normally you wouldn't care about what happens to other people. You also want to make him happy, want to make him smile, this is because you already love him, you just didn't know what love felt like. You've had a heart all along."  
"AHA That must mean I've had a brain all along too!!" Clyde shouted happily, his face beaming with joy.  
"No." Chef deadpanned. "However, in your front pocket, you have had a taco all along."  
Clyde pulled an object wrapped in paper from his pocket, when he unwrapped it, it was indeed a taco, he was so happy he forgot all about his lack of a brain and began to dig in.  
"You seem happy with that taco, but since you came all this way, I'll give you a brain."  
Chef nodded at one of the height challenged people, who promptly left the room. Returning minute's later, with a tall boy in toe.  
"Hi, I'm Kevin." The tall boy said, smiling at Clyde.  
Clyde blushed at his new brain and even offered to share his taco with him. Kevin declined.  
"I'd rather watch you eat it, I like how happy it makes you."   
Clyde beamed and returned to devouring his taco, Kevin looping an arm around his waist.  
"And you Butter's, you've had the power to go home all along. It's the shoes you took from the witch, they have the power to fulfill your heart's deepest wish when tapped."  
Butter's started tapping away before Chef could finish.   
Tap tap tappity tap tap tap tappity tappity tap tap "ARRRRRGH KYYYYYYYYYYYA OH GOD IT HURTTTTTTTTTTTTTS"  
Scream's of anguish were heard as one of the tap shoes flew off, hitting a large chandelier that drop on the height challenged and Chef, killing them all, some dying slower than other's.  
T-t-tap t-three time's *cough* w-while saying, there's n-n*cough* no place l-like ho.." Chef died unable to finish his sentence, luckily it was obvious.  
Butter's collected the tap shoe that went flying, said his goodbye's then tapped three times as he made his wish.  
"Oh gee, guess this is goodbye fella's. Well here goes. There's no place like ho, there's no place like ho, there's no place like ho." Butter's disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving behind 3 dumbstruck teen's and one just plain dumb teen, standing beside the scene of carnage.  
"A-agh d-did he not r-realise it w-was supposed to be hoME?!"  
"Dumbass should've gotten a brain too."  
"Well, Chef said it was the heart's deepest wish that was fulfilled, so maybe the word's aren't that important, maybe."  
"Taco's are yummy."


	9. There's no place like ho?

Butter's was surrounded by a cloud of smoke and suddenly everything was spinning.  
It all came to a sudden halt as he found himself in an unfamiliar room, his hand's resting on something warm.  
He looked down to see a very, very attractive blonde boy looking up at him with wide eye's that mirrored Butter's own.  
The blonde's expression quickly shifted however. He smirked up at the boy on top of him, his hand's cupping Butter's butt, causing the shorter teen to yelp in surprise.   
Their position's were reversed as the taller blonde flipped them so he was hovering over the smaller one, his eye's filled with lust. Butter's blushed as he noticed the teen above him was completely naked.  
The shoes had taken Butter's to the biggest hoe in all the land's. As he feared when he limped home 13 hours later he was grounded, the big grin on his face only serving to anger his parent's more but Butter's didn't care, the bite mark's on his neck and the pain in his lower back reminded him of what was just 3 tap's away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for this.


End file.
